The Example We Set

I used to ask when interviewing someone, “what’s a good leader to you?” Over half the time, the answer I received was, “someone who sets a good example.” This got me to thinking – what does it mean to set a good example? From my perspective, as a leader, if you set a high bar for your team, you better set a higher bar for yourself – and live it.

I worked with an individual who set a high bar for herself and others. It was so high, no one could jump over it. While she set a good example, as no one could jump over her bar, it actually became demoralizing to the team. She would also dive in and do work for people because they could not live up to her expectations. While well intentioned, and work got done, in the big picture, it did not improve overall team performance and killed morale.

The coaching conversations we used to have were, while you already know what you want to do and how to get there, part of your task is to set an example and bring your team along. You may have to pause and let them catch up to you. Let them be a part of the solution even though you may know the answer. Lead them to figuring it out for themselves while empowering your team, driving morale and creativity – and we all get what we want.

At the opposite extreme, I have seen individuals who set a higher bar for others than themselves. This is actually worse – having higher expectations and demanding more from others more than from yourself. This is how people in leadership positions (notice I did not call them leaders), lose credibility – and fast.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who took two weeks off work to work from home while taking care of a new dog. Our team was understanding and supported it. It was during the summer, and I was leaving work before 5pm as the pace was slower and the work was complete. Shortly after his return, I got a smack down email about leaving early in the summer. My response was something like, “rather than working from home because of a new dog, when I finish the work for the day, I am leaving.” A few minutes after hitting send, he showed up in my office. He was not happy. My response was something like, “dude (yes, I said dude a lot back then), you set the example. You cannot expect others to clock time with no work to do when you set the example by being out of the office for two weeks. If you wanna give me something to do, I am happy to do it.” While his jaw dropped like he was going to speak, he did not have a response. I rest my case on setting an example.

Another time, I had a supervisor who asked me for a talk about my aggressive approach in a conversation. He shared, that he thought I addressed him disrespectfully and it was not appropriate. My response was, “fair point. I understand. That said, you should know that by swearing at me on the phone and to others on my team, you are setting the example of treating others how you want to be treated.” It was a phone conversation, so I could not see a jaw drop but the other end of the phone went very silent (not because he hung up on me). I then followed up and said I would work to ensure I was respectful going forward so my supervisor knew I understood his message. That said, I felt I had delivered a teachable moment message to him. Not that the swearing stopped…it just stopped being at me and my team.

I was talking with one of my kids about this phenomenon. I feel like these conversations are teachable moments. She had a coach that arrived for practice later than her but still reprimanded her for being late. Another time, the coach skipped a morning practice. I talked to my kid about when she reaches the age where she someday manages a team, people will watch her and the example she sets. Does she treat others with respect? Does she push and drive them but also sets a high bar for herself that she jumps over? I talked to her about establishing a culture of trust, care, and respect. I love the saying – no one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care. Setting an example by being on time, caring, and then jumping over a high bar is a good first impression to ensure credibility.

I worked with a colleague who said to me, “dude (yep, we were serious compadres because we called each other dude), I have never seen someone more regimented as you.” Guilty as charged. Part of how I set an example for my team is by being on time, grinding, and being time efficient. This way, I send a message that their time is just as important as mine. I cannot stand others having to wait for me. I think this sets an incredibly poor example that somehow my time is more valuable.

My closing message is, if you are a leader, and expect to be successful, you better live up to the example you set. Eyes are on you, and expecting more from others than you do of yourself will result in lost credibility, killing morale, and your team’s culture.